My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I want her autograph on my taint
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
