I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
