after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
