I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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