My sheets look like a crime scene.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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