he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
