my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
