i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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