Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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