im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Actions speak louder than pants.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
