lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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