U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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