Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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