Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
