I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
