You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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