spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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