I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
