Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
How external is "for external use only"?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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