Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
