Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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