i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
