i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
