Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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