I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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