Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize