Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
4 words: hood of his car
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
