she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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