ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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