true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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