I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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