sorry about calling you the devil all night.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
