I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
