i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
