ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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