The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I will pee on everything he values.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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