someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
