dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
