ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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