I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Randomize
