Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
