I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
In America we eat man semen.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
