According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
