she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
