Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
