he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
