Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
