You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
they're like a gay fantastic four
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
