Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
