The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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