Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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