i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
He did a backflip because drugs
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