I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
