i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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