Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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